Will you be asked difficult questions? Will you have to talk about your arguments straight away? Will the therapist take one person's side? And what happens if you both see the relationship very differently?

These are all understandable questions. Starting couples counselling can feel unfamiliar, particularly when you are talking about parts of your relationship that may have been difficult to discuss together.

In most cases, couples counselling begins by understanding what has brought you both to therapy, how each of you experiences the relationship and what you would like to change. You do not need to arrive with everything worked out. The first session is an opportunity to begin making sense of what has been happening and to consider what you both want from the work.

This guide explains what you can expect from couples counselling, the questions a therapist may ask, what can happen during an initial session and how you can prepare.

What Is Couples Counselling?

Couples counselling is a form of talking therapy that gives partners a structured space to explore difficulties within their relationship.

Couples may seek counselling because they are experiencing communication problems, recurring arguments, loss of trust, emotional distance, difficulties with intimacy or disagreements about family, finances and everyday responsibilities.

Other couples may not be experiencing a major crisis at all. They may want to understand each other better, improve communication or address difficulties before they become more established patterns.

A couples therapist does not simply decide who is right or wrong. Instead, the work can involve understanding each person's experience and exploring the patterns that develop between partners.

Every relationship is different, so there is no single reason for starting couples counselling and no single way that therapy will progress.

What to Expect from the First Couples Counselling Session

The first session is usually an opportunity for the therapist to understand why you have decided to seek support and what is happening within the relationship.

You may each have a different explanation for why you are there. One partner might feel that communication has broken down, while the other might be more concerned about trust, intimacy or feeling emotionally disconnected.

You do not have to agree about the problem before starting counselling.

The therapist may want to understand:

  • What has brought you to counselling now?
  • When did you first notice difficulties?
  • What tends to happen when you disagree?
  • How do you usually communicate when you are upset?
  • What would each of you like to be different?
  • What is still working well in your relationship?
  • What do you hope counselling might help with?

You do not need to prepare perfect answers. Being able to describe what has been happening from your own perspective is enough to begin.

What Questions Might a Couples Therapist Ask?

Knowing some of the couples therapy questions you may encounter can make the first session feel less uncertain.

The questions will depend on your circumstances and the therapist's approach, but they may explore several areas.

Questions about your relationship

A therapist may ask about your relationship history, what initially brought you together and how things have changed over time.

Questions might include:

  • What initially brought you together?
  • When do you feel most connected?
  • What do you value about your relationship?
  • What has changed since you first got together?
  • What would you like to feel differently?

These questions aren't about finding a perfect relationship. They can help create a fuller picture of the relationship, including what is working as well as what feels difficult.

Questions about conflict and communication

Recurring conflict can become a pattern.

One person may become angry, while the other withdraws. One may pursue a conversation while the other needs space. A disagreement about something relatively small can then develop into the same familiar argument.

A therapist may explore questions such as:

  • How do disagreements usually begin?
  • What happens when one of you becomes upset?
  • How do you respond when you feel criticised?
  • What happens after an argument?
  • How do you normally repair things?
  • Are there subjects you avoid discussing?

The aim is not necessarily to identify who started an argument. It can be more useful to understand what happens between you and what keeps the pattern going.

Questions about your needs

You may also be asked what you need from the relationship.

For example:

  • What do you need more of from your partner?
  • When do you feel heard?
  • When do you feel misunderstood?
  • What would help you feel more connected?
  • What would you like your partner to understand about your experience?

Sometimes partners have been trying to solve the same problem without fully understanding what is underneath it.

What Happens During a Couples Therapy Session?

In a typical couples therapy session, both partners have an opportunity to speak and be heard.

The therapist may ask questions, help clarify what each person is trying to communicate and draw attention to recurring patterns in the relationship.

You may talk directly to one another about difficult subjects, rather than simply talking about your partner to the therapist.

Some sessions may involve looking at a particular disagreement or recurring situation. At other times, the focus may be broader, such as understanding emotional distance, rebuilding trust or considering how you communicate with one another.

Depending on the approach and your circumstances, you may also be given things to think about or discuss between sessions.

The process is not about performing therapy correctly. It is about creating a space where the relationship can be explored more carefully.

Will the Therapist Take Sides?

One of the common concerns people have before couples counselling is whether the therapist will decide that one partner is responsible for the problems.

Couples counselling is not a courtroom. The therapist's role is not simply to decide who is right and who is wrong.

You may both have different perspectives on the same event. Those differences are important to understand.

A therapist may also help each person consider their own contribution to a recurring pattern. This is not necessarily about assigning blame. It can be about understanding what happens between you and what each person might be able to change.

What If We Don't Agree About the Problem?

You do not need to agree about what is wrong before starting counselling.

It is common for partners to arrive with different views.

One person might believe that communication is the main problem. The other might feel that the deeper issue is a lack of trust or emotional connection.

Rather than requiring you to agree immediately, counselling can provide a place to explore these different experiences.

Understanding why each person sees the relationship differently can itself become part of the therapeutic work.

Do You Have to Talk About Everything?

Couples counselling involves honest conversations, but that does not mean you have to reveal everything immediately.

Some subjects can feel particularly difficult to discuss. You may feel embarrassed, angry, frightened or uncertain about what will happen if something is brought into the open.

You can tell your therapist when something feels difficult.

Trust and openness can develop over time. A therapist can help you approach difficult subjects at a pace that allows them to be explored rather than simply avoided or forced.

What If We Become Emotional?

It is completely possible to feel emotional during couples counselling.

Talking about hurt, anger, disappointment, fear or loss can bring strong feelings to the surface. One or both partners may become upset or frustrated.

You do not need to remain completely calm throughout therapy for the session to be useful.

Part of the work can involve understanding what is happening emotionally and finding ways to communicate when strong feelings are present.

What If My Partner Does Not Want Counselling?

It can be difficult if one person wants couples counselling and the other does not.

Trying to force someone into therapy is unlikely to create the openness needed for useful work.

It may help to understand what concerns your partner has. They may be worried about being blamed, judged or misunderstood. They may also be uncertain about what couples counselling actually involves.

Sometimes simply understanding the process can make it feel less intimidating.

If you are considering counselling but your partner is not ready, you may also want to explore whether individual therapy could provide a useful space to understand your own experience and what you want from the relationship.

Common Couples Counselling Questions to Ask Your Therapist

Counselling is not only about the questions your therapist asks.

You can ask questions too.

Some useful couples counselling questions include:

  • How does your approach to couples counselling work?
  • What happens during the first session?
  • How long are the sessions?
  • How often would we normally meet?
  • What happens if we disagree during a session?
  • Can we discuss particularly difficult subjects?
  • How will we know whether counselling is helping?
  • What can we do between sessions?

You should feel able to ask about the therapeutic process and whether the therapist feels like the right fit for you.

Common Marriage Therapy Questions

If you are married, you may have some marriage therapy questions that relate specifically to your shared life.

For example:

  • What has changed in our marriage?
  • How do we handle disagreements?
  • How connected do we feel to one another?
  • How do we make important decisions together?
  • How have responsibilities changed within the marriage?
  • What would we each like our marriage to feel like?

Marriage counselling is not fundamentally different because you are married. The focus remains on understanding the relationship, the difficulties you are experiencing and what you would like to change.

How Long Does Couples Counselling Take?

There is no fixed number of sessions that applies to every couple.

Some couples may seek support for a relatively specific difficulty, while others may want to explore relationship patterns that have developed over a much longer period.

The appropriate length of therapy depends on the circumstances, what you want to work on and how the therapy develops.

It is therefore better to think about the purpose of counselling rather than assuming that every couple needs a particular number of sessions.

Does Couples Counselling Mean Your Relationship Is Failing?

No.

Seeking couples counselling does not automatically mean that a relationship is failing or that separation is inevitable.

Some couples seek therapy during a serious period of difficulty. Others come because they want to strengthen their relationship, communicate differently or address problems before they become more entrenched.

Asking for help can simply mean that both partners recognise that something in the relationship needs attention.

How Can You Prepare for Your First Session?

You do not need to prepare a speech or create a list of your partner's mistakes.

It can be more useful to spend some time thinking about:

  • Why you want counselling now
  • What feels most difficult in the relationship
  • What you would like to change
  • How you normally respond during disagreements
  • What you value about your relationship
  • What you hope counselling might help you understand

Try to speak from your own experience rather than preparing a case against your partner.

You also do not need to know exactly what the solution should be.

Is Couples Counselling Suitable for Every Relationship?

Couples counselling is not necessarily appropriate in every situation.

Where there is abuse, coercive control or an immediate concern about someone's safety, the appropriate form of support needs to be considered carefully. Couples therapy should not be treated as a substitute for specialist support where someone's safety is at risk.

If you have concerns about your immediate safety, seek appropriate specialist help.

What Can You Expect from Couples Counselling?

Ultimately, couples counselling is a process rather than a quick fix.

You can expect an opportunity to talk about what is happening in your relationship, understand different perspectives and explore patterns that may be contributing to difficulties.

You may discuss communication, conflict, trust, emotional connection, intimacy or other concerns that are important to your relationship.

You do not need to arrive knowing exactly what to say or having already agreed about the problem.

The first step is simply being willing to explore what is happening and consider whether something could be different.

Couples & Relationship Therapy with Michael Swales

Michael Swales is a psychotherapist and counsellor offering relationship and couples therapy in London and online across the UK. His approach is integrative, relational and trauma-informed, with additional training in relationship psychotherapy, somatic trauma therapy and addiction recovery.

If you would like to explore whether couples therapy could be helpful for your relationship, you can learn more about Relationship & Couples Therapy or contact Michael.

Frequently Asked Questions

What happens in the first couples counselling session?

The first session usually focuses on understanding why you have sought counselling, what has been happening in the relationship and what each person hopes to change. You do not need to have everything worked out before attending.

What questions will a couples therapist ask?

Questions may explore your relationship history, communication, conflict, trust, emotional connection, recurring patterns and what you would like to be different.

Do both partners have to attend couples counselling?

Couples counselling is generally designed to involve both partners, although the appropriate arrangement depends on the circumstances and the therapist's approach.

What if my partner does not want counselling?

It can help to understand their concerns rather than pressure them. They may be worried about being blamed or judged. Individual therapy can also provide a space to explore your own experience if your partner is not ready to attend.

How long does couples counselling take?

There is no fixed number of sessions for every couple. The length of therapy depends on the difficulties being explored, your goals and how the work develops.

Does couples counselling mean we are going to separate?

No. Couples seek counselling for many different reasons, including improving communication, addressing recurring difficulties and strengthening their relationship.